Pursuit of happieness........

Today i am especially happy!! no this time its not the vent of a cynical mind.....no deep sarcasm involved that will ultimately be lost unappreciated....maybe because there isnt any.....this time i am 'RRREEEEAAAALLYY' happy. And do you know why ? 'cuz I had a very good day at office! Oh My God... am i making it blasphemously unholy by making one of those wannabe Bill Gates blog.......not that bad....its just that today....probably for the first time in my tiringly young time as a professional....I have ruined a full team's case so badly that it is surprisingly funny......not my team of course, but a different team.......one of those who always seem to steal credit out of you by not being there....it was so funny to visualize those faded bald buggers writhe in agony and with pre-historic wrath mumble my name after "son-of-a..."....and it was so satisfying that it was because of one mail that was sent by you know who...? ME!!

And conveniently for the first time when the big guns point at us, I could point the muzzle at them and buy the credit with the brilliantly co-ordinated the talent of pointing out other people's misfortune....!!

Trust me, laughing at other's trouble is way too much satisfying!!

This afternoon's track : Jim Morrison - The End

"Droonaaa...."

This post of mine is essentially a brain child of an idea introduced by a gaint of a guy called Shery (I never managed to pronounce it properly.....phoenetically speaking...and so the ludicrous spelling) who happenedto visit us a few days back. We have a thing going on among ourselves....you know like the 'Wassup' thing......albeit not so media-freaky....we call it the 'Drona Effect',we have 'The Drona moment'.....the 'Drona look'.....and now it has urged me to consider several other possibilities of the 'Drona Smile'....the 'Drona Cult'...or maybe even the 'Drona libido'.....but lets leave them for posterity and deal with what we have on the platter at present....

First it was Rajnikanth and now it is Drona...trust me they are 'happening'.....I mean finally somebody has considered the absolute truth behind the telltale tales of men being from Mars. Yes, they can do all of them....they can fly without wings....to and from a speeding train...between compartments....they strech their arms and derive life power voraciously from a blistering sandstorm.....and when they are angry they seem to have way too much free time to make a daunting frown and then hitting upon the evil and being hit upon....And the best part is......in the process of absolution from felony, they don't even have to wear fancy slacks and underwears and cool sunglasses to conceal theit identity....the fact is.....a little bit of publicity can never harm you....and the hottest chick will anyway fall for you.....even if you are perpetually unshaven bu hey.what do I know......women are from Venus and thats the 'in' thing nowadays...

Peter Parker believed, much to his disdain, "with great power comes great responsibilities"....well.....time has changed and besides the "great responsibilities", there comes a greater urge to influence lives of others around you....not only in a superheroic scale, but also in a more mundane day to day scale......I mean leave aside Drona.....look what the great lady did to the industrial upstarts in Bengal.....or how the musings ofan air force officer named Murphy swayed the lives of zillions all around the world.....even Woody Allen became a Hollywood star!

So even Drona is affecting our lives, if not in a global or national magnitude, but the first signs are clearly visible.....The other day I saw three guys riding the same bike without helmets on the wrong side of the road approaching a cop for directions...thats undoubtedlythe Drona effect...you could almost hear at the background the rumbling hymn of "Drooonaaa...!!" at the rather unconventional bravado of these gentlemen,and the look they gave when the cop pulled them over to the curb....thats the 'Drona look'Last night we were returning from yet another gaudy shopping complex, through a rather narrow and seedy alley when a three-legged dog happened to hop out from nowhere and my friend gave a concoted display of swearing,jumping and running all within a singular muscular movement which can again betraced back to agility shown by Drona and its eventual fallout thereafter....Likewise, the guy who decided to play Russian Roulette with a semi-automatic,the way I play any racing game,the one in the car staring at the prettygirl in the car beside him and eventually climbing the road-divider and millions of other unsuspecting individuals can all be categorically classified under several sub-divisions of the Drona effect, and everytime that happens,be it behind my back, in front of me or in the form of people actually reading this text there will always be the same resonating buzz "Dronaa....!!"

Today I am clinically 24 years old......
Nothing so great about this day except.....well I was born on this day....allegedly
"So how is the celebration?" One of my friend ask.....thanks to the blessed mobile communication........
Celebration indeed.............
Come back from work at 7 in the morning............
Somehow change and flop down onto the bed..........
Mom called........only to have a mingled conversation lasting couple of minutes.......
Getting dead for four hours only to awake more exhausted in a deserted house.......too exhausted to have lunch infact....
.More out of boredom rather than the love for the game watch an ongoing cricket series in the T.V.............
Several people called.......some I loved talking to.....some I did not......just a cursory "Thank you" that somehow I am supposed to say to all the people calling me on this day......some I would have loved talking to in my earlier days....but somehowout of some deep rooted......unknown misery I avoided pretending to be asleep......to be perfectly honest......I do not exactly know the reason for my dissapointment in them.....but I guess sometime you have to lower your expectations from others.......trust me that will make you happier than usual.....
I had talked with my T.L for a day off at office.......I played the emotional trump card of celebrating with friends on my birthday.....he said "we'll talk about it tommorrow...."


And now a half read novel beside my mattress....still an empty house.....not so well lit.....a slight bite in the air....just like....well.....October end.....

A confused playlist of Simon and Garfunkle's Sound of Silence , Tracy Chapman's Fast Car, The Carpenter's , Clapton's Tears in Heaven and Don McLean' American Pie..............

"Happy Birthday to me......."

Well.....not being poetic or philosophical....I just found few more things to be cynical about......and indulge in the only luxury I can afford now!!

Darwin's Finches...

(28 February 2000, Texas) A Houston man earned a succinct lesson in gun safety when he played Russian roulette with a .45-caliber semiautomatic pistol. Rashaad, nineteen, was visiting friends when he announced his intention to play the deadly game. He apparently did not realize that a semiautomatic pistol, unlike a revolver, automatically inserts a cartridge into the firing chamber when the gun is cocked. His chance of winning a round of Russian roulette was zero, as he quickly discovered.

Folks....this is really funny!!!

Click here to enjoymore unexplored side of the species called humans

Classifieds....

The thoughtful man..

In Some Folder.....

Well this is the best and the most pathetic of all the posts I have come up with.....this is straight from the heart and extreme interior brains......you know from deep within it....not that my other posts were straight from my arse...or other rather disreputable portions of the body...!!!
People say that the most difficult exam to pass is this.......the toughest is that......I would say that the current situation I am in is a worst paper for a teacher to check.........well.....might be rather farfetcheda comparison....or completely a disastrous one.......all I can say is...."get used to it.....'coz you know what....I am not in my senses"

Anyways,it is a Saturday evening.....what....SATURDAY EVENING!!!???......well unfortunately yes even in a Saturday evening.....that too alone..I just happened to fancy myself in a more potentially reflective self which few will dare to compromise with......and dare to contradict with...you know.....to cope with 'things' in this daily life that we learn from the movies....and stuff like that!!....albeit definitely not from the dad drunk..mum scared.....lone child class.....the fact is "we are sophistricated."....okay......I am in a decent high from Led Zep to pre-'Morissonic' lair of some obscure high bass instrumentals with a tinge of red....or a glimmer of yellow or a pang of cold, a cold of water...a water of cold and stuff like that against each twang of the guitar or rumble of the base drum.....well let me tell you a philosophy that I believe......well.....I just forgot it.... Infact I would always recall forgetfullness being quite an unanimously acclaimed symptom....ok........so I get this phone call that my other roommates are heading home....

You know what the problem is when out of the other two guys......if one of them is familiar and the other one is an aquaintance.....you reallydont know how much the other guy...the acquaintance knows.....and you dont want to face the missile if he leaves for your "dastardly revolt against sanity" in our'holy lofty green-walled haven'.....it is a crisis....ok these go below the mattress.....the scissor under the pillow a bit of broom and the room appearscleaner than usual by my standards...however the things that are going in my mind....those and these swaggers are slowing me down....and I can'teven with a half-hearted righteousness dismiss the sensory fingerprints registered systematically throughout the room....ok crisis call-back to the guy who is familiar.....oh....No shit Sherlock!!.....deospray ( Adidas - TeamForce )!

They arrive thrilled to venture to our newly prepared rooms ( its a complicated story....basically it is an apartmentto which we are supposed to move in tommorrow).....my identity is still not undignified...so I have to actively partcipate in the inspection....ok couple of green walls....insteresting....I hear plans of buying an extra table....must be thrilling.....an extra shoerack....really!!....how many plug points in the room....bravo....I am ok with all that, why bother me?.....more plans....

I move from one room to the other....more head noddings and an extra-ordinary idea of putting energy saver lamps in the hall room....ok....and nowthe owner of the flat arrives with his surprising nature of over-enthusiasm mixed with a tinge of sadness.....I never seem to understand why he keepson telling words like "why because"....." the problem is"......"kiun boleto"...at the start or in the middle of every sentence.....mostly at the start.....a sufficientlyfat black man with a mouchstache....relax......its just a single person......not the whole of Andhra...though hard to differentiate...(no offence).....So why the woodwork took longer.......the carpenters went to the their native place in the middle of nowhere.....transportation problem of the electric fittings....and stuff like that....

Bloody Hell!!!

Ok so finally the flat owner goes.....and now we are supposed to watch a movie? Oh yes.....'Micky Blue Eyes'....

Isnt it amazing that when you dont have anything new to watch how you always end up watching Notting Hill or Micky Blue Eyes or Saving Private Ryan or Forrest Gump. I mean how many times do we have to spill orange juice on Julia Roberts shirt and get her 'spick and span' in few minutes..I always believe these movies do not actually produce love.....they produce the feeling of being loved.....and thats why we always watch them.....I bet Hugh Grant must be tired of beating the auction table way too many times....I wont comment on the Ryan Brothers as they are hardly alive...I mean let the old John Ryan spend the rest of his days in peace....and dude.......I really think its time to get some sense into stupid cripple and tell him 'stop Forrest stop'...........

You know what....come to think of it..Hugh Grant is pretty funny.....in a confused sort of way......as in he is always making me confused....as I always seem to extend my laughter after everybody has stoppedlaughing.....sometimes he even makes me laugh inwardly without any apparent change of facial expression.....

I am hungry!...And thirsty!!...very....
Oh....so my dinner is a combination of half boiled noodles and a pre-historic version of rice - something that our landowner had given on some weired occasion (he did..??!!)...??

Ok....so we are supposed to play board games now !!??
You want to know another philosophy......actually it is rather borrowed.....the philosophy is "nothing is free".........I guess its few more extensions of "No shit Sherlock"......!! If you are in a state providentially more elevated than the normal law abiding mortals crossing roads at the Zebra, buying tickets for a local train in Bengal, playing crossword from a local daily because there is nothing else to do and stuff like that...in such situations time rolls rather slow for you......and however hard you may try to restart the ecstacy of your languidly elevated soul.......its just few steps ahead....trust me wait is always a price for salvation.....you may and most prabably will loose your primes......!! Acceptance is the undefeated weapon against all the evils this world can ever think of producing.....I am in a state I can resist anything with it....Cluedo....Scotland Yard......The Game of life.....

So finally we are supposed to go to sleep......finally!!!......flash of yellow!!!....ok ( yippy )....it wasnt actually physically there....just... you know.....I am free...the only place and time a guy is entitled to a shadow of privacy......in a dark house at 2 in the morning....more craftwork......this time it is the bathroom.....so no need of deospray.....here we go.....bright lights.....musicfrom Adam's time......smile....languid..a bit of choke.......more reflections....restart.....it fun with the motors taking a break.

I am writting all these in a text file in some folder of my laptop.....

I will see if I can find it tommorrow....

Goldfingers....

Men are so great in breaking promises....its almost as if they derive a
perverse pleasure out of breaking what they have vowed......not only
to others but more often.....to themselves.....and boy, dont we all feel great
about it.......!!
I had promised I wont do something....the other evening I did it......I know I
wont take it as a habit........but it was fucking awesome......okay....I think I
am allowed to use the 'F' word in this post.......it was fan-fuckin-tastic!!!

Not that I intend to keep this post forever......I might delete it after a couple of days......for....you know...there is hardly a thing called "a guy's privacy"

It all started with a whiff.....as in movies and in several boyish desparados
that I had closely observed in my hostel.....but never really indulged into it....

Wether is was the exhaustion of a Saturday evening that had me......or the juvenille expectation
of opening the Pandora's Box.......I am not sure.....but I had never felt the lassitude
that covered me that evening.... the kind of lassitude you feel when all your work has been
completed......and you lie satisfied in bed and its raining outside.....and you can see the thunder
crackling into a magnanimous rainbow as it flashed through the colourful window panes......
the word 'relaxed' was never so clear in my mind......oh my mind.....people say in state of intoxication......
you loose control of your mind.......it was never more incorrect.....yes I remember I was actually pulling
my vision from one person to the other sitting beside me........and everything in the background hazed down in a grey
confusion......and only the object of my interest was outlined with a tinge of red........how convenient it would have been in
life if we could shove aside things we dislike and put our intent on things we like......well....it was not as if I was the complete
vegetable....as I remember attending yet another phonecall from the office,and I don't think I messed it up either.....
there were people around me laughing......I definitely remember the laughter.......and my ability to voluntarily ignore
them as I concentrated more upon the ramblings of the person next to me......yes I had the ability to filter my thoughts.....

and the music began to play.....................

I guess you need some accessories to be in a trance.......and music is definitely one of them.......each time the string
of a guitar was struck I could feel the vibrations running through my spine and registering into a burst of neurons sending
a wave of defaince.........reason......and ultimately elation to my brain......and I was pressed deep in the bed by the reverbating
bass which was almost tangible........it all happened.....and it was physical......and I can say I thought of some of the best lines
that evening.........I dont remember any of them.......but I know I did.......

I still recall the snippets of conversation that went that evening.........somebody was talking about the chemical structure of
something..............the sodium / potassium balance in human body.....political situation of the world
......vulgar old school stories......and the music.......
but I dont remember their sequence......as I never said a word........and I never wanted to register any of the monotone.......I was
mentally more powerful than my friends.......

One strange thing happened to me was when I suddenly felt my right leg was on fire......I did not know what happened but it felt
like I had stepped on a floor of red hot charcoal and somehow could not find a clear place to stand.....but I have this strange
ability not to complain about most of the things in life.....so I did not whine about it either.....it was only myself beside me......
and I had never felt so alone in my life.......and isolation had never made me this happy......and there was music

There is so much I want to say about the evening.....but the best and the most frustrating part is that I really don't remember
what to say.......I definitely did not passout that night.......and I know I had moments of brilliant thoughts that night......
but what the hell........all I can manage is a blank gaping voide whenever I try penning them down............
I know there are so many colours in the pallette.......I know I can make a beautiful potrait........te canvas is right in front of
me........but somehow I am confused what colour to use........trust me ....it is a wonderful feeling....I am almost looking
over my shoulder to catch a glimpse of it.......but is has managed to elude me for two days!!

I am still not sure why I actually indulged into it that evening.......but I am not really sorry or ashamed of it......I guess the evils
are the most prudent logicians........I am still in the process of salvaging bits n pieces of my memories from the other night....

But it was fuckin awesome!!!!!

Gorahs save the world......

"Improve on your 'technical skills'.....it change things"

Right, how about increasing the paycheck!!!!!!????

We gotta change to a new flat........we have blown our money........and we can't find a place!!!!!

June Kills...........

I dont know what's with the season, but people around me are going beserk................!!!!

Office on a Typical Day!!

Long Time No Non-Sense!!!!

Well....its been really sometime since I have talked 'non-sense'.......yes I think I am slowly getting the hang
of 'talking sense'.....atleast what others think to be 'sensibly responsible' or maybe......well....'responsibly sensible'......
to be honest I dont know what that means.......I guess I made that up.....but then one thing I realize that people in
general do tend to think there is sufficient amount of matter in what you say when the voluminous ludicridity in your
monologue is disguised by a carefully tailored amount of jargons and basically....well.....a glaring reminder that you have indeed
gone through the pages of Wren and Martin in your junior school...infact the poets have the genius to do that even without going through the books.....
I guess thats why poetries are called the highest form of literature....no offense meant.....it is indeed a talent to be envious about.
Well.....for some un-countable days I have remained 'OFF'
from blogging.........'sensibly' I should have said 'I had no time'.....but to be honest....it is mainly due to unavailability of cheap
internet services......the service provider has disconnected as.....can you believe......is moving onto some other....more profitable
section of the city......!!!
I guess I have bought my share of talking non-sense.......
Nothing really has been happening these days.....oh yes....I went home......my cousin is getting married......I realized that
the boy and the girl do not actually see each other during the 'Aashirbaad'......and people are generally quite cool and 'okay'
with this fact......well I guess they dont really have an option.......
Other than that......there have'nt been much highlights in life......except some weeks ago one of my acquaintances had this
blistering realization that his queen of heart is having ....well 'second thoughts' about him..........I guess its really unfair to rub
where it really hurts....but you really got to give it to her....I mean whoever she is.....she has the balls...!!!!I am sure she would
look just perfect in pants......!!!!
Well let me take this rather uncannily unfortunate incident of my friend to comment upon the so called 'commitment' that most
people quite happily indulge into......which in itself is rather a miracle.....considering I, being a sufficiently stoic and non-committal
person(non-committal : person who give a wry smile and dismissive shrug saying 'its just not your day mate' at most of the unfortunate incidents of life)
individually....
People…..don’t get me wrong……….Its not that I am the gothic skinhead snob (albeit I do have apparent anomaly as far as follicular prosperity is concerned) in an Anti-Christ T-shirt and harrowing tattoos crucifying love in a pool of molten lava.....I am too docile for that
....I believe for sufficiently lower mortals ....getting committed is essentially having a social surity of having someone to whom you can say every evening
what you encountered the full day......how they thought about each other by seeing things like a fly sitting on a rose.....a world war II radio singing a romantic song
......basically ...the feel good pang of “aint no sunshine when she’s gone”...........ah Notting Hill.....probably the best romantic movie made......for others....it is
outrageously a social status.....for some it is really the stark reflection of the T.V god that so assiduously befriends our life…..after all we all prefer to hear and of course watch the power of love rather than “look the Commies are coming”.....for the more intelligent ones.......its pure 'hop in the sack'....and for the hideous, heinous faggots like me......it is
yet another opportunity to get a treat from others.....both at proposals as well as breakups......so in essence I really encourage more people to fall in
love......I am sure I almost bought myself a free ticket to the gallows from the followers of the Cupid Cult.....but then the Earth is a wonderful planet where
both good and the evil resides with surprising alacrity.....and when the glass is half empty ....I usually believe in drinking the rest of it.....and order for a repeat!!!

I don’t think I am the stereotype whiner, but I am sure by this time you already had an inkling feeling of saying out loud the 'F' word.....assuming you haven’t said it already.......lets just move onto the more ....what .....black and white aspirations ......I have been attending CAT coaching classes....I know what is the last term of 22076 ……and today I felt like Sherlock Holmes when I found that there will be eight such pieces with colours on three faces when a cherry coloured cube is cut into 125 pieces. Well, and stuff like that…………Basically because million others are doing it…..that’s the kind of security you derive by joining the flow…..

Well frankly speaking, living all alone is somewhat similar to being a king……only with no kinsmen and subject to look after…….you can certainly come home late without the fear of reprisal from your parents……hell we all had nightmares like that .…..and honestly our brains are just too tired of raking up excuses everyday we saw the silhouette
by the end of the staircase….you can choose to sleep late without doing much….or maybe not to sleep at all…….you can have as much junk as you want in an aluminum foil in the rooftop or have no food at all…….basically you are just a free bird…..but without a tree to land on to…

I guess it is one of those nights when I can rant on forever…..for tonight I got the entire flat for myself…..and the T.V. is in its usual self of proclaiming hairy bollocks in a silver foil…..and my room-mate is out somewhere in the bowels of the city and the only thing that speaks is the blaring 2.1 in the drawing room….infact I am beginning to fear that my vocal chords will soon turn into a rudimentary organ…..just like the tail that all the humans still unfortunately bear……

I guess I am just over-doing the attempt of socialization…err….or maybe self-retrospection…...which in reality is saying “bugger off” to myself…….until …well ….more opportune moment…its 1:07 a.m. in the morning and time for a movie.

Nah...life aint much fun living alone....and you were right mama......its a rather cruel world.....and people do make sure we work our guts out to 'earn' every penny that somehow always seem to like everybody other than me......well....its been three days I have had a proper wholesome lunch....no I am not broke....although I am dangerously close to it......its just that I have been sleeping throughout the day out of a terrible exhaustion........Friday night is always the worst night to work.....you leave your house for office as the flatmates whom you see only for couple of hours a day return and again get dressed in their fancy attires for a fancier hangout.......you count the number of pits and ditches the cab bounces off as it reaches inevitably close to the office with a certainty that is almost despicable.....last night I counted....and it was actually one more than the previous night.....you try to figure out the strangely sonorous lingo of people around you and ultimately give it up in a despairing shrugh with a strange pang to speak in Bangla........whatever happened to the 'adda' of the 'progressive' Bengalis!.....and trust me......cigarettes and cola can do wonders to your apetite........albeit in the way you dontreally appreciate.......my workstation has always been the apostle of uneasiness packed diligently in white spartan ply and 'utility' addons........few sheafs of papers here....couple of printouts there.....and a confusing array of styrofoam cups painted either in blue or in brown ( apparently colour coded for coldand hot drinks respectively!!Atleast thats the only reason I can think of this ridiculous meticulousness )Truth is .....I still glance over my shoulder when somebody in blue coveralls calls me "sir...."And trust me at the end of the week, CAT classes are really not cool.......especially when I am staring at six paragraphs of monologue about some piece of rock that is supposedly 3.83 Billion years old and has a tag bit more Carbon -12 than usual........the black stuff they call the remnants of life from ages when I was not born........and others think as the souvenir of the lost dignity of a volcano when it hit the water!!!!............

Does MY manager ever blinks an eye on details like these!!??...........

Call it my disability but I really cant think of instances when the stocks have skyrocketted just because a rock had a bit more graphite in it....

But then after some point you really dont have to think much about whats going on all around you.......you just have to step where everybody is going and you somehow manage to walk all the way........and thehonks and the screeches of the automobiles.......the dust flowing out of the streets.....and the people around you does not matter......thats the best part about being saturated......I guess these are the times when Sherlock used to indulge in his bouts of cocaine.....or chemical experiments.......and sometimes violin....... but for me.....its just an empty house and a mattress........and a blaring T.V and a half lit cigarette....................

I got this official confirmation that every person in our vicinity is essentially the same........well and that birds of the same feather indeed flock together.......so people live throughout his share of life and die unobtrusively much like a bubble in a pond with the same predictability which infact has a number of names......and 'system' is one such name........last week I got a call at night when I was as usual sitting by a glaring computer trying to make out a pattern of sanity from the high sounding technical scribbles from a very friend of mine.........and I came to know he was sitting alone in a pub trying to decipher some shape out of the staggering loneliness hovering around him like dun coloured clouds in a murky day.........and more meaningless monotones for 'ol' time's sake'........so I did the only thing that appeared to provide a solace....or rather a refuge from the onslaught of emotions......I cut the line.........so whether it is among the dark shadows of the pub providing magical solutions to the brain or with the 'cancel' button of the phone.......we all run away from something we are not really sure of......and later some of us happen to write few ingorrigible lines about the same.........

soledade

Walks alone does he,
Perhaps he's alot like me,
Blinded by confusion and frustration.
For it never sees the light before night sets.
It carries on with eyes wide shut,
In a mindless rut.
Feeling rotten to the core,
Waiting for the day, when it's pain is no more.....

-Lady Wolenczak-

I am back again..........dont know whether it matters much.....but it is so good to talk to myself again........we moved on to a new house......well a collection of three french tin can that is so popoularly known as the 'flat'......and yet again something that is so conveniently represented by a number.........I am okay with that.....atleast I certainly hope so.........and moving in is not quite as fun as taking a walk in the park in a cloudy evening.......but thats the least that happened during these listless days........I am not really an avid expressor of emotion......I guess I am much too gooey for that......but I never felt a greater urge to have someone in flesh and blood to talk to.......for there is nothing more lonely than to wake up in an empty house.......yes you guessed right.....I work in night shift.......its not that I love my work.....I don't hate it either........I am just waiting for a miracle that would make me happy and rich........and that would keep all our friends together........well I was not so sad at my college farewell.....infact I often think that we ourselves dont really know the extent to which we commit ourselves to the so called cliche of a relation called 'friendship'......and trust me....the ignorance really hurts when it is time to say goodbye.....Sohil just moved on to Mumbai.......I guess four and a half years is a pretty good time.......and a guy is allowed to take the other one for granted........and it is okay for him to expect to see his soddy urse grasping the bits n pieces of his riches in the dusty corner of the room we have been sharing for so long..........well I might be wrong.......infact I probably am.......for there is certainly more space in the room now that he is gone.......and obviously the room is much cleaner and there is an extra mattress to lie down.........but then I get this strange confusion as what to do with all these space!!!!........so when at the end of the day there is one extra plate at our dinner but no food upon it....there is this strange feeling at the pit of my stomach that drives me a step closer to the edge.......I guess I am starting to get qualified as a wreck........even the fags don't taste as good as it used to be........why can't pepole be like islands?.........sometimes I feel that humans are the most frail and vulnerable creation of God.....infact it is actually a blunder he made and I guess he was just to arrogant to accept it and make it right......